Photo by Alexander Grey
Understanding the causes of gender confusion helped me come to terms with my nephew’s struggles, both internal and external, and taught me that the world is wide enough for everyone.
There was never any confusion about who I was when I was growing up—then, again, there wasn’t really a mainstream discussion about that kind of stuff, even though there was a rich discourse within academia and places outside the established norms. As a cisgender female, it was something that I took for granted. However, as I’ve grown older and become more aware of the struggles faced by people who do not necessarily conform to their assigned gender at birth, I’ve come to realize just how important it is that society as a whole learns to affirm and support individuals in their gender identity.
Affirming someone’s gender identity is simply a matter of respect and basic human decency. Everyone deserves to be seen and treated as the gender they identify with, regardless of what their body may look like or what others may assume about them. When we affirm someone’s gender identity, we show them that we see them for who they are and that we value and respect their identity.
When we recognize and respect the sheer diversity of gender identities, we help break down harmful stereotypes and biases our culture has long perpetuated and passively preserved. By creating a world where gender is simply a matter of self-identity and isn’t tied to anything we have deemed essential, a more equitable and inclusive society is much more plausible.
Gender Troubles
While I may not have much trouble with myself, I do have a nephew who does. He was born biologically a girl, but he never really aligned with that label. Where most girls went for Barbie dolls and tea sets, he was more enthusiastic about trucks and robots. Now, you may think that maybe he was just a tomboy—but he didn’t want to be a tomboy. He wanted to be a boy.
Understanding the causes of gender confusion and how they can affect the individual has been how I came to know more about my nephew. I love him, and I want him to be happy. And I couldn’t in any good conscience dismiss how he was hurting just because I didn’t understand anything.
So, understand I did.
What we sometimes call gender confusion is known in medicine as gender dysphoria. This is what happens when an individual experiences discomfort or distress because they cannot reconcile their gender identity with what has been assigned to them after birth. This is because society has to arbitrarily decide what your gender is when you are born.
The effects of gender dysphoria can manifest in a variety of ways. The most common is feeling like you were born in the wrong body or that your body was disgusting. This was what my nephew felt, and it was especially the case when he got his first period.
Other symptoms include being uncomfortable with the way people engage with you and an internal disagreement with following the norms of your assigned gender.
For young children, this can be complicated to navigate; it’s also complicated for adults, too (more so when sexuality gets thrown into the mix). This is because as the child grows, they are continuously developing their sense of self and understanding of the world around them. When they experience something as complex as gender dysphoria, it can be confusing and overwhelming.
Helping My Nephew Realize Himself
If a child is suffering from gender dysphoria, it is important that we listen to their concerns and their ideas about their identity and their place in the world. Their feelings and experiences should always be validated. This is not the same as justifying them, only that it is critical to let them know that they are being heard. It can be so easy to dismiss or minimize their feelings, but that is incredibly damaging. If I was callous enough to have denied my nephew his epiphanies, I don’t know if I would have ever seen his smile again.
As adults and members of society, it is imperative that we create a safe and supportive environment for all children, not just those with gender confusion. We should always engage with children at their level and consider their concerns seriously without prejudice and bias.
Confusion about one’s identity and one’s place in the world is a natural part of being human—and it’s important to assure children struggling that they are not alone and that they have your support.
While I can never understand everything about what he is going through, I would never leave my nephew alone, and I would never tell him that he is being delusional or anything. If he is happy being what he is, then who am I to deny him that?
The Damsel’s Files 