Being in a relationship is either a blessing or a curse. When you are with someone who makes you happy, you can see stars, find questions to the unknown, or even feel like defying gravity. Yet, at times, love usually won’t feel like that. You might feel suffocated, unhappy, or even tired. If you feel that way, that isn’t love.
In the 21st century, we now have so-called “red flags”; these are signs or attitudes that may hurt a relationship. These red flags are the negative traits one might possess, making the relationship feel like the worst thing ever. Red flags have been brought to many people’s attention to raise awareness about the matter. People in a relationship have started to notice these red flags because of the widespread trend where people post on social media sites about common red flags that people might overlook. Some might even pinpoint their partner’s red flags, making them anxious and wary about what to do. Questions like; Should they break up? Should they talk about it? Go to therapy? Just let it go? Or hold on to love? These are common questions that may arise in a relationship with red flags, but what can we do? Here are some steps you might want to consider dealing with when you have spotted a red flag in your relationship.
- STOP
We tend to feel more love for a person than hate. Because of love, we might overlook such signs. This feeling is familiar, for we love that person because something about them made our hearts romantically involved. We can never say we “never loved” someone that we had become involved with because when we had that bonding time, there was a reason why we stayed and kept longing for that love. What you need to do now is STOP. Paus for a moment and give yourself time to think. Feeling like anger and sadness may occur due to circumstances, and it’s challenging to make decisions when having these feelings. So stop and take a step back for a minute to think before deciding.
- LOOK
When you have already stopped, now LOOK. You have spotted the red flag in your relationship, but you feel unsure about the spotted red flag. In this case, look for other things that may back up and prove the red flag, this may make you feel more sad and angry, but this can also help you see the truth. Reminder: Do this step in a calm setting where you will feel free instead of feeling more fear, anger, or disgust. On another side, this step can also make you see if it was a red flag or was it just a flaw that became bigger to your perspective due to added emotions at that time. So now look closely and make sure of things.
- LISTEN
The next step is to LISTEN. Approaching your partner and listening to them may take time, but this is a needed step. Go to your partner and talk about stuff. Your conversation with your partner may vary. When talking to him, you can bring up the red flags that you can see. Listen to their reasoning as to why they act that way or why they are like that. Listening can help in the process.
2. ASK
While listening, you can then ASK. Raise questions that your heart desires, keep composure when asking but make sure you are asking honestly. You can write down the questions that you want to ask your partner at this time. Asking can help you avoid sudden bursts of uncontrollable feelings. Because when our feelings get the best of us, we might say things we will regret in the future. So make sure to get all information that you need by asking questions.
3. THINK
After your conversation, THINK. Thinking is the rising action of this process, and this is where you will think about what to do. You might want to base your thoughts on the answers to the questions they have given you. You can also base your thoughts on how they answered your questions. Was it in a defensive manner? Was it truthful or deceitful? As a person who knows your partner, you need to think best you can. Don’t rush this process. You can think as long as possible if you want time to think.
4. LEARN
If you think it is also best to LEARN. Usually, the best thing we can do here is look at examples that can base our decisions. We can read books or ask our friends who have experience regarding this matter. Some books might show the struggle couples facing common relationship problems. You can find everyday situations like living with an alcoholic, having affairs, or even financial struggles. Their experiences can be an excellent place to learn.
5. DECIDE
Now finally, you need to DECIDE. After learning and thinking, it’s up to you to decide. Make sure to decide on a calm heart and mind. Don’t get too emotional when you decide. You need to base your decisions on the steps we talked about here.
When deciding, you should think: What did I see when I LOOKED? What did I hear when I LISTENED? How did they respond when I ASKED? What did I LEARN, and what did I THINK? With this, you can help yourself know what to do when you have found a red flag in your relationship.
The Damsel’s Files 